Some supposedly great things that I have done or will never do

Hi! Is anyone still out there? This missive is inspired by various lists from credit card companies telling what I should do before I die (in no particular order).

-win Wednesday's powerball-this will lead to an unprecedented streak of philanthropy never seen since the days of Carnegie, complete with an autobiographical manifesto on ways in which everyone sucks (ala Wealth of Nations)>>>

-drive down or up the Pacific Coast Highway in a toxin-spewing minivan>>>

-write a joke that appeared on Venture Bros. or the new Futurama>>>

-have a joke turned down by South Park because I didn't say poop or semen or Jihad enough>>>

-have sex with an extremely attractive 22-year-old at a rest area off of I-94 in Minnesota>>>

-have a shot with one-half of the Indigo Girls while getting verbally abused by the other>>>

-running over a ridge on a steamy summer night into the largest collection of fireflies I have ever seen or dreamed about. Oh yeah, also being on a perfect amount of Psylocibin mushrooms with a soon-to-be married friend. I should have died right there, thus being the pinnacle of my life>>>

-throw out the opening pitch at the new outdoor Minnesota Twins stadium in 2010. Fuck that, as long as I am dreaming I might as well be the starting pitcher>>>

-hop up on stage and surprisingly pull off two hours of noise and video with my favorite person on Earth to create "art" with and funniest man ever...yeah, that is you Mo' (when are you going to ditch the family and travel the carnival circut with me...OK, you can come to Vangie, after all you are the brains behind this all)>>>

-sold minor amounts of weed to washed up Independant League baseball players>>>

-saw Pinback fake breakup on stage because they didn't want to play for us Inferiors any longer>>>

-made fun of Hippies and Trustafarians>>>

-got an 'A' in a creative writing class entirely consisting of women. After the barrage of poetry about horses, their children, and love I wrote volumes of poems and stories about saccharin semen, beared hoboes, volcanic moons of Jupiter, vampires with braces, underwater gas vents...and of course love. The best part is when my instructor told me I should look into the "poetry" of Kirk Cobain (OK) and Jim Morrison (sucks). She thought I was on drugs! Disclaimer---I enjoy many, many fine women writers, even some who speak of nothing but love. In this case, however, the instructor was working on her own (really lame) book and all the girls were seemingly farm girls with weird attachments to domesticated food animals.>>>

-had sex with a beautiful girl in Amsterdam but for some reason didn't continue having sex with her all over mainland Europe and Iceland. My fault...extremely my fault>>>

-had threesome with girl from rest area story and girl mentioned just above. Oh wait, that wasn't me, that was some douchebag name JJ and wait wasn't that my girlfriend at the time, too. Hope it was fun bastards. Yeah, that was ten years ago and I am not over it yet. At least I still fantasize about it while masturbating>>>

-been to Disneyland and DisneyWorld. Hold on, that is really lame>>>

-decided to be an infrequent blogger. Again, really lame>>>

OK there is an abbreviated list of cool shit I have or have not done. I think I will expand on this later and explain (or at least try to while I cry) why this all happened well before I turned thirty and nothing has happened since. Shalom!

e. charles fridell